I don’t usually write reviews for films, however when I was unexpectedly sucked into the existential nightmare that was the Sister Tempest Trailer, I was dragged screaming into an eclectic world of vivacious charm and unusual imagery, I knew I had to see and review the whole thing. I was greeted by a film that exceeds all expectations, taking me on a no holds barred thrill ride into insanity that frankly beats many/most and possibly all of the films high budget studios churn out these days.
A word of warning, I recommend this film highly, but I am a huge fan of independent cinema, meaning that it is possible that my opinion is biased and tilted heavily against what most people consider to be ‘normal’ or indeed sane. – Past this point there will be spoilers, nightmares and revelations! You should watch the film, no matter who you are, what you like or what you believe you will enjoy, because whatever goes through your mind in this life and whatever you may experience, you will probably never see anything like this ever again. It is not what you think, and it is not what you expect, and it does, whatever you may think, make sense.
The film opens at a funeral. Two sisters, Anne and Karen Hutchinson swear that they will always be sisters, before the world dissolves into a bizarre explosion of seemingly unconnected visuals, ending with a Giant Kaiju inspired spaceman galumphing through the countryside and obliterating a cottage with a seemingly intentional step.
Merely seconds later, we’re brought to Karen, all grown up, having fun in a vehicle with her boyfriend Chris. Despite the mood, she is incredibly worried because of Chris’ connection with his old friend Harry. Chris implies that her worries are coming from Anne, which subtly implies that either Anne or Chris are having a controlling effect on Karen’s life. This is a clever subtlety as it leaves things ambiguous until they have to be. Chris does what any nice young man would do in that situation and presents her with an eyeball, imploring that she will need it. Reluctantly, she takes it. Outside the car, Harry approaches, swiftly bringing their evening of romance to an end.
We are brought into a man with a typewriter focusing on writing a script, featuring what just happened, then breaking the fourth wall as it features him within the script. I’ve always been a fan of wall breaks. By this point, I had realised this wasn’t a normal film. I was around 3 minutes in, wondering what the hell was going on. Colourful imagery was dragging me into a world of madness beyond my wildest fears. A normal B-Movie doesn’t play with the audience in this way, and a normal independent film doesn’t take such excessive risks. Intrigued, I forged ahead, dragged into darkness by a man I couldn’t truly understand.
The film in its essence is about Karen and Anne. Anne is an art teacher, teaching a class of typically grotesque art students. If I hadn’t taken art myself, I probably wouldn’t have believed people like this could exist in the real world. One day, someone new comes into Anne’s life: Ginger (Rogers) Breadman. Ginger is a Potato Person, which means exactly what you’re not thinking, nor will you probably ever understand. She has dreams, thoughts, desires, that are – different – from normal people. Anne’s sister Karen has disappeared, vanished without a trace.
Clearly Anne must do what every person in her position would do, being human, she invites Ginger to spend some time singing Karaoke with her, probably a reaction to losing her sister, and wanting to spend some time with someone, doing the things they used to do together. Over time, their relationship grew. Naturally, a bond began to form, and things began to spiral out of control, as Ginger captivates Anne. Ginger is a little different from other girls, she stands out from the crowd, and this intrigues Anne greatly. Anne, struggling with her emotional grief that her sister has disappeared, finds some comfort in her new friend.
The thing about Ginger is that, whilst nice, she does seem slightly unusual – seeing the universe in a different way to most normal people. During art class one day, a student is badly injured, and Ginger tries to administer first aid, in much the same way as I have done many times before. Her assistance isn’t appreciated, and her intentions are misunderstood, most likely due to the insufferable artiste mentality. Thankfully everything is interrupted by a giant in a space suit destroying the world as we know it… Or was it?
Anne is driving home when she comes across the dead body of her sister’s boyfriend. She tries to save him, even though he’s clearly been dead for hours. In confusion and agony, she calls out to God for help. Naturally, a strange messenger from beyond manifests. The messenger is not helpful at all, and takes Chris with him, which all in all is a pretty poor show for the afterlife.
Anne, broken, alone, and miserable, much like the balding oaf writing this, is one night woken by a phone call. It’s Ginger Breadman in ultra meltdown. Life has fallen into sheer chaos for her. She can’t handle the pressures of the grinding machinations of the universe. She is broke, miserable, and life isn’t going well. She’s a sad potato person, and we as the audience cannot help but feel for her plight. Anne, being miserable and sad and alone, in a lonely miserable and silent house offers Ginger the chance to stay with her, showing her around the house, and tells her not to enter a specific door. This automatically makes us suspicious of her motives, but we let it slide, after all, Anne is the protagonist, and she’s trying to be nice, and under a lot of pressure herself.
One night in a horrific experience in which we learn that the spaceman might not be a man at all, Anne finds Ginger Breadman having a screaming nightmare. Ginger had imagined going into the very door that she was told to never open by Anne. Anne comforts her in a way that looks mildly inappropriate, hinting there may be a little more to their relationship than teacher and student… Or was it just our imagination?
In the background of all this, and despite her experiences, Ginger is going through a transformation that may or may not be normal, but thanks to a healthy non-vegan diet, seems to be handling it ok. I think this is a fairly normal experience for most human females.
Anne wakes up in a psycho-sexual nightmare, as do we all, after a fairly normal person delivers her a pizza of sleepiness. She awakens to find Ginger Breadman, dressed like an angel and covered in plague. They play a confusing game of “Who’s the boss?” then talk about Anne’s lack of vegetables, and the fact she isn’t eating right, oh and totally her possibly fictional boyfriend who may or may not exist. It all sounds tear-lickin’ good.
Ginger is concerned about her – she’s been neglecting her art, but Anne, being the ungrateful and seemingly insane monster that she is, refuses like a spoiled child. Ginger has no other option than to summon a squad of Nazis to suppress her, and force her to paint Ginger like one of her french girls.
Anne finally meets Jeffrey, who was actually in the film earlier but I forgot to mention him. (He made a video tape player work, which is impossible, leading me to believe he was actually fictional…) I didn’t realise he might be her boyfriend, even though there was nothing that really suggested it beforehand, and talks to him about Ginger hurting her. She tells him she is afraid for her life, and he hands her a gun. Jeffrey, who might secretly be Geoffrey, I won’t know until the titles, and will not change it regardless, insists she takes the gun to protectify herself. It almost mirrors the gift from earlier (an eyeball), which her sister, Karen took unwillingly. Anne being the diabolical slut that she is, talks a nervous Jeffery into a night of potential naughtiness. Shock horror.
Ginger Breadman is boiling alive, but she is managing to keep the situation from getting out of hand. I cannot help but feel for her. Suddenly she bumps into some aliens that have been filming everything, and they chase her into the outside world where she finds an unconscious cheerleader.
Alienated and confused, she stops for a brief snack, but is accosted by a group of unruly jocks. They try to make her feel uncomfortable and scared, but she gives as good as she gets and threatens them right back. I love this girl, she’s amazing. No matter what life throws at her she just doesn’t give in! The jocks mock her and force her to defend herself! Ginger fights for her very life and accidentally(?) kills all of them in a clear act of self defence.
Anne meanwhile is talking absolute nonsense to her possibly fictional boyfriend. He’s so fictional he doesn’t even notice how insane she sounds. They decide to join in with some friendly communal dancing to pass the evening away, as Ginger struggles with her emotions.
Ginger decides to get revenge on Jeffrey and takes out her frustrations on his ugly skip of a car, whilst he hangs out at a local bar, like the handsome, fictional waste of life he is. Considering how awful Anne has been, and the fact that unbeknownst to poor Ginger he’s literally given Anne a gun to murder her with, I think it’s karmically justified. A randomer lets Jeffrey know his non-fictional car is being trashed, and he leaves to find it battered like a kipper. Naturally he goes and tells on her because he’s not man enough to handle it alone.
Anne isn’t man enough to handle it either, because she is a woman. Anne confesses Ginger has a power over her, and Jeffrey emotionally blackmails her saying she has to choose between Ginger and him. Jeffrey abandons her because let’s face it, he doesn’t want to be with a crazy person, and Anne tries to follow him only to be ambushed by a Cyber Monk who totally greens her. Which is weird because she hasn’t been eating her greens, as we mentioned earlier… Or did we?
Anne decides to confront Ginger and they have a violent cat fight. Anne and Ginger fall to the floor, battered. Anne beats Ginger relentlessly, smashing her again, and again and again. Beating up a helpless little girl, her ex student. Someone she took advantage of, at her weakest and most vulnerable. Anne is a monster and needs a slap.
Anne ends up in a room, talking with her boss. Her boss is concerned because she’s been acting a little crazy, and having watched the film up to this point, I don’t think he knows the half of it. He explains that what she’s been doing is concerning. He tells her she’s chased away Jeffrey, who may now not be fictional. He recommends her to take a holiday. But Anne can see the world collapsing around her. She begins to wrestle with her madness in the darkness of her mind. Replaying events in her memory. She struggles with the madness, as memories flood her and overcome her. Anne’s mind starts to shatter, and she is dragged through a miasma of sheer chaos. Pulling a gun, she unloads it into the first thing she sees. Karen.
Karen hands her the eye.
She finally understands. So do we.
If you can watch the film and understand it completely then you’re either a genius or you’re lying – maybe you’re crazy, cannibalistic or possibly an alien. Maybe you’re all twelve. If you’re sane enough to have checked back and counted that, you’re probably sane. Which is troubling. Don’t hold on to it because when you watch this, you won’t be anymore. I don’t even know if there’s anything left of me.
If you brutally assaulted Quentin Tarantino and Stanley Kubrick using a live penguin as a club and took their DNA, combining it together to make a child, then cloned that child into an army, then fed the army nothing but Mac n Cheese and Acid, the result might come up with something like this. It’s everything I could ever want to create, and so much more. Thoughts from a different mind, brought together in a way I will never be able to. As a creator, I admire it, as a film watcher, it both hurts and heals me. Looking out at the universe, and the eventual heat death of the universe, the futility of life, the universe and everything that was created, this was something that was worth watching. It was something that was worth making. That’s more than I can say for most of the things I’ve seen. I can’t rate the film, as it wouldn’t fit any conventional rating. It’s really good though, and if you don’t see it, you’ll definitely be missing out.
Joe Badon made a film. It is unlike anything you will ever see. It is unlike anything you will ever know. If you die without watching it, you are missing out. If you live without watching it, you will live a less complete life.
I find it really interesting the amount of people who add me because I’ve been involved with indie film groups then immediately send me project fundraisers for their projects. Mate, I can’t even afford to make my own crappy sci fi series. I have no interest in a vapid love story with LUTs and overdone unfitting music. I’m not interested in something that’s claiming to be the best indie film that will ever be made, featuring a bunch of nobodies, or Z rank celebrities. I don’t care about horror projects, I’ve worked on over 100 of them. I am not and never will be a master like John Carpenter, and nothing any indie film maker has ever shoved down my throat has ever been worth supporting. I’ve worked with countless people, including some big names, some small names. I don’t care who’s in a film as long as they are enjoyable to watch, and I gain more joy from watching the silly antics of Chris Seaver’s army of absolute lunatics messing around with their fantastic feelgood movies, than most of what Hollywood has to offer.
I know, I sound like a jerk right? – I get on average 5 or 6 people a month adding me on Facebook. Within about 5 minutes of accepting a friend request, I get a copy pasted sales letter to support their film, not even tailored to anything relating to me, it’s just: “Hi Alex”, -Insert Paste Here-, no “Hi Chan, you’ve supported x in the past, and I was wondering if you can check out my movie I’m working on. You know, show you know me by my actual film making identity. They have no interest in me, or my work, just an interest in my wallet, which is empty and dusty, and full of black mold. Here’s the thing… I LOVE working on films for people. I make music for people to use in their films for free and have been involved in over 150 projects in the last 10 years (as of writing this blog.) This doesn’t count the people who have used my music for their projects. I’ve lost track of those.
Every once in a while, I see something different. Something a little weird, new and out there, and it’s something that I don’t expect. I’ve been contacted time and time again with “Original films” about a “Protagonist, usually female” being chased through the woods by an “Antagonist, usually male/deformed” with a “chainsaw/knife/cleaver/insert weapon here” who intents to “murder/snuggle struggle” the Protagonist. This is boring, unoriginal content. Standard tropes include: Bad Sound Mixing. Bad Acting. Shaky Cam. Unfitting Music. Boring Sex Scenes. More Shaky Cam. Boring Naked Scenes Where Some Poor Actress Has Been Told This Will Make Her Famous… The list goes on.
So yeah a while back I was browsing on Facebook and I saw something different I actually wanted to support. I’m glad it was made. It is incredible. Watch it. Papa’s Sonata is both brilliant, and terrifying. It’s an unusual piece, it’s original and it’s a great film. If more people made things like this, I wouldn’t be so jaded. Marcus Graham is a genius. This piece is unlike anything I’ve ever seen, it’s beautiful. I’m glad it was made. Please watch it and enjoy!
Amazing news from Mycho Entertainment, one of my absolute favourite indie film companies! A whole host of their fantastic horror films can now be watched for free if you have an Amazon Prime subscription! To have a look around and watch them, click: here!
Within their cool collection of horrors are some of my favourite Mycho Films to date, with more hopefully coming soon on the horizon. For people new to Mycho’s amazing plethora of films I would probably recommend looking at Legacy of Thorn first and foremost. Featured in horror blogs worldwide, and classified by many as an exceptional example of what an independent company can do without a massive budget, Legacy has all the hallmarks required to make it the cult classic it is slowly becoming. Legacy of Thorn tells the story of Jessica Lawrence and her friends enduring a living nightmare as she is hunted by an indestructible monster called Thorn. Featuring superb acting, direction, and a killer soundtrack, the film is definitely worth a watch!
Amongst the free films, you can also find Hollower, a personal favourite of mine. This film features agoraphobia, something I suffered with before I started doing drama. I hated going out and actually for the most part dealing with people. Adam Dillon expertly plays Nathan Robbins, a for the most part nice guy, who just so happens to have a certain darkness that manifests within him… I find Hollower to be pretty reflective of how I was when I kept indoors. Especially the waking up part. It was like every day felt the same. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea…
The coolest aspect of Mycho Entertainment is their commitment to bringing their own universe to the world of horror. Mycho films aren’t just your average dull horror flicks, devised for a cheap thrill, they’re a small part of something far, far greater. Each film in and of itself is a story, but the villains show up and take part in multiple stories set within the Mycho Universe. The Slasher House films are the nexus of the universe, where the huge plethora of Mycho’s terrifying killers come together and try and do battle with the mysterious “Red”.
I have worked with Mycho before, it was one of the best experiences of my life, and I recommend everyone interested in film-making, acting, or learning about film in general goes out and works with their team at some point or another. There is always something to do, and you get to work with some of the best people in the UK!
If you love Indie films, then you’ll probably love Mycho! To give their films a watch for free on Amazon Prime, click: here!
The incredibly talented Jonathan Holowka of Wild Cockatiel Games has created an epic new game. Loosely based on the original Portal Ball, Portal Galaxy features brave new challenges, upgrades, and a lot of cool fun to be had. Featuring a soundtrack I designed quite a while ago, Portal Galaxy is an incredibly beautiful game. Fun, challenging and it can be enjoyed by anyone brave enough to play it. Portal Galaxy is currently in early access on Google’s Play store!
The aim of the game is pretty simple. You spawn portals in outer space and then tap on the screen, which launches energy balls from them. Your aim: To collect as much treasure as you can and overcome increasingly difficult challenges as you progress through the levels.
The game is easy to learn but difficult to master, and there is much more to succeeding than at first meets the eye. There are 9 different upgrades to be unlocked for balls, portals, crates, treasure and asteroids, leaving the player to experience a huge plethora of different game styles! Up to 5 of these can be equipped at once allowing for almost limitless customisation!
Portal Galaxy is looking to have a ranked mode, for people who have beaten the game where they can compete against other players online!
Real Fake Blood Films is fast becoming one of my favourite horror producers. Low budget, beautiful horror, and what’s more they’re using my music! What’s not to love? Pupil is the latest addition to their steadily growing collection of short horror films, and, like all the fantastic work that’s come before it, it’s amazing.
Pupil tells the story of a mad scientist, not unlike myself, who has made… Life itself! From the perspective of the strange creature he has created, we watch as the scientist enters the room and begins interacting with it. The scientist is fairly typical of mad scientists, he doesn’t think of how the creature might feel as he interacts with it. He just focuses on what he has created and how his experiments have impacted on it. We see, from the creature’s perspective, how it reacts to the scientist, and what the scientist does to it. We feel like the creature, trapped in an unfortunate situation outside of our control…
It’s fantastic watching the film and seeing how our scientist interacts with the creature. His nervousness implies that he knows some of what he has done to this unfortunate creature is cruel, almost as though he fears it can understand him. His nervousness fades as curiosity and the work consumes him. It’s slightly implied by his eyepatch that this creature’s single eye was once his. He is also bald, and the creature has hair, which I find slightly amusing considering I’m going bald myself… I won’t spoil what happens, but horror ensues, and I love it!
What makes the film stand out to me, as an observer is the creature itself. So much effort has gone into creating something that blinks menacingly but is also capable of other emotions (unless I’m going crazy!) such as fear and shock. The creature looks absolutely phenomenal, and I wish I had the talent to make something like it! I have always loved practical effects in films. There’s a rawness to be found in them that you just cannot emulate with CGI. Things that are real, that exist and have substance will always have the ability to terrify audiences far better than CGI which moves far too fluidly. Pupil does a fantastic job with some amazing puppetry, and I think this is probably one of my favourite low budget monsters of all time. (I’m so sorry Forbidden World… Better luck next time!) I can’t wait to see what they come up with next!
I’m always pleased when people use my work for their films and shorts, and when I get to be part of something like this, well, it makes me so unbelievably happy! This is the second film for Real Fake Blood Films that my work has been used in, and hopefully, they will be able to use a lot more music as time goes on. Previously, I did some work for Benjamin Martian on the film: The Gift, which you can check out below. If you’d like to find out a little more about the film and its construction and a little bit more about Benjamin and his other works, please feel free to read the blog I wrote on it: Here
I first started working on Chan Walrus at the age of 17, almost half a lifetime ago. I had been getting into Blake’s 7 and I had long been a fan of Red Dwarf. I wanted to create a science fiction comedy series which had moments both serious and sometimes extremely violent. It was going to to feature many different ideas and in a way be a parody of the sci fi and horror genre. Later on, I would come across Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace which was what I felt Chan Walrus could have been… If it had been a lot better. This is a tale that I’m not 100% proud of, so please forgive my sheer lack of manliness, as I reveal to you one of the more harrowing experiences of my life. There were many issues with Chan Walrus, as it was a highly ambitious idea, and I hadn’t got much of a budget, or any form of organisational skill. Chandryk Ullesys Walrus and Christopher T. Mandrake on the run from E.D.E.N, the Earth’s Defensive Elite Network. Chan has been rescued by his old friend and rival Mandrake. His mind has been almost completely erased which is one of the reasons his behavior is so erratic, though this I would not write into the script until the second series, as I wanted the cast to become familiar with his behavioral absurdities long before explaining the reasoning for them. As a writer, I don;’t believe that a person’s personality should be defined by their mental state, gender, race or sexuality. These take a part in who they are, but they are not the entire definition. The most important thing was getting Chan’s issues across to people before revealing too much of the darker plot, but also to engineer the plot in such a way that bad things happened in a relatively comical way so people wouldn’t be put off by them. I wanted to draw my audience in with the silly nature of a show they would find it easier to get to know and like the main characters before being shown ideas in flashbacks that were unsettling and the first few scenes in which Walrus actually does some horrible things. Things had to be a little chaotic, as order is not something which I have ever truly experienced in this life. I had to make things fit with my own understanding of the randomness of the universe and with the idea of moving on into a future beyond the series. I have long looked at the universe in a way in which there is no true black and white. No pure good or evil, that every good person has faults and every person who has committed atrocities has not spent a life without one good deed. I wanted the series to have muddy waters and for a younger me, this was very ambitious. The concept of the series was also complicated to explain to others. Most people like virtuous characters, whereas I like characters like Avon, from Blake’s 7, and Colin Baker’s version of the Doctor, characters who’s natures, at times seem a little suspect. These made those characters more interesting than the goody two-shoes characters like Blake, who is a curly haired Paladin of Righteous Justice, and well… Many other heroes. One of the reasons James Bond is a good character is that he’s got his flaws. One of the problems with how I explained the series, is that I feel, looking back on it, that I put forwards too much of the science fiction element, leading people to believe the series would be serious. This was a mistake and ended up costing me greatly. Before I made a single episode, I had a huge support in terms of backing and cast, people heard my ideas and thought that they were fantastic and worked with me to try and build a first episode. Some of the most noteworthy people on my team were my long time friend and collaborator: Rikki Hammond, Will Grantham, famous at the time for designing the Abzorbaloff, Giles Margerum, who was and still is one of the most awesome people I’ve ever met, Cameron Abbott, a fantastic actor I’d met at College, Steven Johnson, who is a living legend, an old friend Jane Edwards, and Shaun Wools came on board as an in joke later on. The musician behind the series release was Robert Porter, who was at the time one of my closest friends. Also contributing to the series was Martin Bower, who’s work on Alien and many of the wonderful science fiction shows of the 80s still lives on, on the dvds of nerds like myself… But not all was going to go as planned.
Release, Disaster and Downfall.
The release of episode one was a mistake. It was premature, badly mastered, and thrown together. It was released within days of a really bad breakup with someone who meant the world to me, and I was not thinking clearly. My original intention had been to release the series episode by episode, putting one up per month, rather than to film the whole thing in one go, master it and put it out there, something I still havn’t learned from. I rushed the episode and got it out far too early, then fell into utter despair as it’s reception was horrendous. I was already in a bad way, and the world just exploded around me and I felt like I’d lost everything. I got a bad reaction from some of the cast, though the majority who had appeared in the episode seemed happy with it, others decided they no longer wished to work on it because it was filmed on a cheap handy-cam and they were above that, and more interested in being filmed on high quality cameras that did above SD. My friend Robert was understandably upset. When I had explained the idea of Chan Walrus to him, I had neglected to put much emphasis on the random, stupid comedy I was going for, he’d backed me 100% and created possibly the greatest theme to any science fiction series ever made. His work was, and still is incredible. The thing is he had had a completely different vision for the series to myself and he didn’t understand a lot of what was going on for many reasons and it was this reason I ended up pulling it shortly. Robert had dedicated months of his life to creating the perfect science fiction track. Each sound perfectly crafted, and looking back on what I had originally created, it was a monstrosity, unworthy of his genius. Many people who had supported the series decided they were no longer interested and my scripts lay among the ruins of my sheer failure. So many ideas and intricately woven plot threads smashed to ribbons. At the time I didn’t even think about replacing cast and soldiering on. With a few swift blows, my morale had taken a plunge into a hell from which I never fully recovered, though despite the horrible experience, the people who stuck with me have become much closer and stronger friends, so the failure for that part was worth it. A little while after Armageddon, I re-uploaded the episode with a different soundtrack comprised of my own music along with that of Nikola Whallon, who has always been a great support to me. with some brief alterations to the script, and some roles cut. It was not what it should have been, but I had a cut of the episode that was passable, though lacked a lot of what I had really wanted. I was too ashamed and broken to use Robert’s soundtrack for the episode. He had spent months working on it, and I had just butchered everything so badly, but I needed to soldier on. One fateful day a few months later, I begged my friend Jane, who I’d gone to Youth Theatre with to help me make a secondary episode in order to carry on. At this point I didn’t want to make the series anymore, but I’d pooled over £2000.00 into it’s production and I was losing my mind. She agreed to help me, which was really nice of her. She played Chan’s ex wife, and ended up dying in the episode, which sucked because I would have wanted her to be a bigger part. She went the extra mile and helped me salvage the hell I had ended up in somewhat. There were those who supported me, even though I was a self-professed failure. My crew who I’ve all mentioned were amazingly loyal friends. There were three I havn’t mentioned yet, Scott Casey, who came down to shoot some scenes with me despite not really knowing me well, Nico Rogers who is now a member of Dead Man’s Whiskey, Jamie Weston, who’s now a hot shot film director and Adam Willis, who is now kicking ass with Willis and Vere. (I wonder if their amazing space epic, The Starship Osiris, was inspired in any way by my colossal failure.) I kept fighting for the series, but soon it became obvious that due to my poor organisational skills I would not be able to keep working on the series, and I apologized to everyone and gave up, finally releasing a Christmas Episode as a final farewell, unconnected with the original plot. This was a slight joke attacking Doctor Who which at the time felt like it spent half it’s run time on Christmas Episodes.
What Could It Have Been?
Series One originally featured a wacky story that made little sense outside of the grand narrative. It was lighthearted and fun with a few silly moments of treachery. Of the first series, 5 of the 6 planned episodes were started and abandoned. One of the worst things for me was the sheer amount of time and effort my crew had put into working on the series with me, I felt I utterly betrayed everybody by not accomplishing my goal and botching that which still exists of it.
Episode 1: Professor Mindstorm (Originally Professor Brainstorm until I realised someone had already created a Professor Brainstorm!) is given a task by a mysterious villain to hunt down Walrus (who like Blake in Blake’s 7 is called a ‘political criminal’) who has escaped. Mindstorm is aware of who Walrus is and chooses to enlist the help of a man who he despises, Avery Guido Veil (Or if you shorten the middle name you can rearrange the letters to A Very Evil Guy. Yes I am that sad.) Mindstorm’s internal logic is simple: If Avery gets Walrus, he wins, if Avery fails or dies, he wins. Sadly however he loses because he doesn’t realise he’s going to have to put his wallet on the line to afford the costs. We briefly meet Veil who is happy to be out hunting Walrus. Mindstorm tries to contact him but Veil shows him animosity and refuses to answer his hails. It gives us a small chance to meet Veil, who is nicely incompetent. I would later realise that he needed to be a little smarter, so for my pilot, I actually treated him with more respect. Finally, we meet Chan Walrus and Mandrake. They are having an argument about Walrus damaging the spaceship. It’s mentioned that they’ve stolen the ship from Aliens. We were going to meet these in season 2! The goal of Episode 1 was: Establish who the main characters and players will be in the series. Heroes: Walrus and Mandrake, Villains: Veil and Mindstorm, and put them all into confrontation early on. As conflict is the best way to figure out who people are at heart, it was a good idea to lead with a conflict early on.
Episode 2: – Begins with scenes and ideas that were cut. Originally two of my friends had begged me to write them in as a double act, and they were going to play as a news team which had some subtle connection to the plot, with one of them eventually cutting off Chan’s arm and using it to fake his death. Yeah that got cut. It was a shame, but I should never have written them in to be fair. Ah well. Christ, even writing about this is painful! They tell a news story muddying Walrus’ name. Then we go to Walrus and Mandrake. I was going to split them up for the episode so Mandrake goes into Cryogenics whilst Walrus stays on the bridge allowing him to get into mischief. He’s not supposed to do anything silly, but he disobey’s Mandrake’s request that he doesn’t respond to hails or touch the Nav system. When Mandrake is out of the picture. Walrus ends up getting a distress call and decides to go and help. It turns out that he was being lured into a trap by his Ex wife, who contemplates destroying him. She communes with her computer and decides to mess with him a little. There’s a weird scene featuring my friend Shaun Wools playing a ‘Body Double’ that I threw in as a joke and a lot of fourth wall breaks. Walrus ends up killing his ex wife and trolling through his script with MEGADOS, her computer. In the script we briefly meet PAL9000, who is the ships computer. He is as boring as I am in the real world, but he calls everyone Dave, whereas, I only call the Daves I know Dave. The goal of Episode 2 was: Introduce fragments of Chan’s past to increase information on the character. The News team were added in which was a mistake but that’s life. I also wanted to throw a lot of references to sci-fi in for all the geeks who wouldn’t end up watching it!
Episode 3: This is where things get interesting. Walrus and Mandrake go to Planet Russia, which is stupidly inhospitable Temperatures range from an impossible -500 degrees Celsius in the day (which is impossible as absolute zero is -273.15) to 1000 degrees at night. It’s clearly a nonsense planet. The surface is covered in Grief Plants which all have human mouths that scream endlessly, and the animal life consists of Owlbats which, when they mate, both the males and females get pregnant and both have a pregnancy cycle of 7 hours during which they are eaten from within by their young that reach sexual maturity within an hour. It’s clearly a horrible place. You need Apernetamine tablets to survive there. Walrus is there to meet his old friend Traitormass who looks nothing like Chan Walrus remembers. This points to Chan’s memory loss and altered states of reality I mentioned earlier. Traitormass has lured Chan there because he needs Chan to identify why his miners have been dying off. Chan works out that Traitormass is conducting an illegal mining operation, showing that whilst he’s not the full ticket he’s not stupid. Traitormass gets him to look at the body of the security chief, who has been murdered. Traitormass is surprised that this has happened, then takes Walrus to meet Exeter, the greatest brain in the universe, currently housed within the shell of a mighty onion. Exeter tells Chan the truth of the universe, that the Author wants to kill him. (Which is kind of like the author of my life wanting to kill me. This realisation that I am a character in a novel came to me at a young age as I doubt few people live lives this badly written.) Exeter is taken over by the Author and tries to kill Walrus but Walrus kills him. We go to the news team who explain one of them is missing, presumed dead. We then go back to Avery Veil who hails Chan’s ship to get Mandrake who has stayed behind. Avery and Mandrake square off in space, leaving the planet behind. Walrus talks with Traitormass, and explains everything to him that happened between himself and Exeter. Traitormass explains that he is actually a traitor, and starts to die, because Chan has taken his Apernetamine tablets. (I mentioned those earlier. This happened during an earlier conversation with Traitormass, and Walrus has changed the hands on his clock so he wouldn’t think to check.) Walrus tries to contact Mandrake who is no longer there, and then he chooses to leave the planet alone. Episode 3 was about adding to the universe, more information on Walrus’ mind not being fully functional and a bit more into his past. Mandrake was going to be kept mysterious til the second series where he would get a chance to shine. It shows that despite Walrus being a gibbering idiot, he’s capable of doing smart things. He’s an idiot savant.
Episode 4: Begins with a Space Battle! Avery, having suffered a sound defeat at Mandrake’s hands, decides to set his ship to explode and launches an escape pod. Avery does this for two reasons. Firstly, to win the fight and secondly because he knows Mindstorm is going to pay for it. We go back to Walrus who is looking for his ship. It’s possibly been vaporized in the explosion – that’s what we want the audience to think at least! Then enters a member of the news crew who breaks the fourth wall. She tells Walrus that he’s actually being killed time and again and that they’re cloning him, and that he is part of a science fiction series. She lies to him and tells him that they were going to be married, the implication being on in real life. Mandrake and PAL have survived, much to Mandrake’s misery, and Walrus is supposedly taken advantage of by the news crew member who chloroforms him and, like a good Sci-Fi villain, cuts off his arm. Veil and his Officer have a moment and they decide to leave Chan to his fate whilst they go back home. Death by ineptitude seems certain. Chan wakes up to find his arm gone and is hailed by none other than Mandrake.They tell each other what they’ve been through and Veil puts up a delightful log in which he enjoys the fact Mindstorm will be paying for everything, and that he knows he has failed. Mandrake attaches a robot hand to Walrus, and reminds him that everything is pretty much normal. They banter a little and the episode ends, much to the relief of an audience who will never see it because it was never made. Episode 4 would allow Mandrake to shine a little. It was rewritten from the original which would have been better without the News subplot.
Episode 5: -Begins with the news team talking with Mindstorm. Mindstorm reveals that Avery Veil will now be flying the exclusively cool Time Ship and hints that it will be an ‘Explosive success’ his glee on the matter indicative that he has a sinister plan for this new star-ship, most likely aimed around revenge. Veil has been watching the transmissions, and he’s already removed the bomb from the ship. Despite being purposefully incompetent, he is not stupid. He and his officer talk a bit about the abilities of his new ship, which would have come into play later in the series. We go back to Walrus and Mandrake who are talking about Veil, and they are suddenly waylaid by the S.S. Argyle Cheese, who originally offer to surrender but scan Walrus and Mandrake to find their ship is defenceless. During the battle, the Argyle Cheese’s parrot, who is also the ship’s engineer, has a heart attack leading to the bridge crew being reduced as the captain goes to revive him. Veil shows up and demands the Argyle Cheese stops firing on Walrus’ ship. We then cut to shady dealings. Mindstorm is hiring/blackmailing Bjornfjord Fjordbjornsson the famed assassin to perform a secret task for him. We go back to Walrus and Mandrake who are arguing about stage technicians on set damaging their ship in the series. As Walrus starts work making repairs, (which would have created issues later in the series) Veil opens fire on the Argyle Cheese, showing off the Time Ship’s special abilities. The crew of the Argyle Cheese, figure out the secret and open fire on Veil forcing him to retreat, and knocking him back in time 3.64 billion years. Suddenly the crew of the Argyle Cheese are attacked by Bjornfjord’s tricked out ship that annihilates them. Mandrake and Walrus celebrate their escape, and we go back in time finishing off with Veil and his Officer freezing themselves in Cryo back on prehistoric Earth to get back to the present. Episode 5 is designed to turn Bjornfjord into a fierce Villain. The Argyle Cheese is so overpowered it beats both Walrus and Veil in combat, but is soundly defeated by Bjornfjord. This is standard anime story design which basically takes characters we know and smacks them down by a villain to show that villain’s power. This was shown in Dragonball Z, when Android 18 annihilates Vegeta only to be devoured by Cell.
Episode 6: Veil and his officer arrive back in the present only to fall into a trap set by Mindstorm that leaves their fate enigmatic, and Walrus and Mandrake go to find out the source of a distress signal on the planet Skoode. Bjornfjord lies in wait and has an awkward conversation with his wife, and the News team make an appearance and do some plot stuff. We then go back to Mindstorm who releases Veil and his officer as Fugitives. Walrus dressed as a cowboy arrives on the planet to see an unconscious cowboy lying in the dirt. He pokes him a few times and it’s revealed he is the famed assassin Bjornfjord Fjordbjornsson. (Of all the people who wanted to audition, the only person who could say it right was Nico Rogers.) There is a duel reminiscent of The Good, The Bad and The Ugly, Walrus cheats and wins. He kills Bjornfjord to reveal that he is an alien – in real life and not just in the series. Walrus talks with him as he is dying and realises that he could have been a friend and does the “Nooooooo!!!” thing. Mandrake and Walrus discuss their futures, and the series ends with them turning guns on each other and fading out to Laser Blasts as a homage to Blake’s 7. (They would pretend to kill each other so they could come back in Series 2 without it being a science fiction series!) Episode 6 is a set up for the next series and shows a potential world outside the world outside the series. Complicated and insane stuff.
So far, I have been working on my new series, you can see it by clicking:here! It’s my intention to keep making Chan Walrus. There have been drastic changes to the ideas within the series. For the Reboot, I renamed E.D.E.N. to Galactipol as I didn’t want people reading into religious symbolism within the series. With the modern culture the way it is, I didn’t want anyone potentially taking offence to the series on religious grounds that could get it cancelled from YouTube. I have made alterations to Chan’s backstory with more information behind his mind erasure. His original name was: Wilson Orson Channing and he was once a brilliant scientist who stood up against the tyranny of the Federation, but that’s all I’m going to say about that. When will the next episode come? Who knows! You can support me or donate if you like! I’m still looking for actors who want to sacrifice their careers to the greater good!