The Dangers of Butthurt
Butthurt is a very real problem in the world. When someone is miserable and confused and become unreasonably sad or offended by something, they may well suffer from being Butthurt. It manifests as a slight itch around the rectal cavity, and can reach the level of having a nuclear warhead going off in someone’s ass. This of course can go from a mild irritation to being rather alarming.
There is no soothing cream known to man that will remove someone’s Butthurt because it is purely a psychological manifestation of misery. Butthurt can be reduced in several ways which I shall catalogue for you later. But of course we have to properly analyse what Butthurt is first.
Butthurt is the pain and anguish felt in the butt by some people who are “big mad” about things, often which they cannot control.
When people post negatively online, they often reveal that they are either Butthurt or wish to become Butthurt about a specific topic.
Measuring the Intensity of Butthurt
How do you measure someone’s level of Butthurt? Butthurt is measured in Weh.
For every negative post about a topic, add one Weh.
Every time a person posts a threat or insult as part of the topic, add five Weh, this is inclusive of the original Weh.
Every time a person insults someone in a response, add 7 Weh. Inclusive of the response post. The additional Weh are indicative of someone’s state of deep antagonism, and their craving for more Butthurt.
Every time that insult includes a threat. Add five more Weh for each additional threat and three for each insult.
If a person responds in Butthurt, for every hour they take before the response add one Weh. Delayed response is indicative of the Butthurt growing within the individual, and usually is followed by a torrent of wrath and or premature ejaculation.
If their online avatar’s name contains something abusive or insulting, and/or a picture designed to cause offence or antagonize others, add 50 base Weh as a basic indicator of how originally Butthurt they were. If it’s part of an unchangeable name, this is serious so up that to 1000 standard Weh. This may seem drastic but this is someone who lives for Butthurt. They crave it so completely they’ve dedicated their entire online presence to obtaining it. This person is usually known as a rectal troglodyte.
If a person apologises to someone else sincerely, remove 20 Weh.
If a person has signed up to a social media platform specifically to troll, they naturally start off with 200 Weh, with 10 Weh additional for each month they have trolled. Not all people are Butthurt enough to troll constantly about one topic so this can be different from someone who has received such Brobdingnagian Butthurt that it has become their very life.
Rankings can determine the psychology of a person. I have ensured to include rankings from the military and naval forces to ensure accuracy. Note: Rear admiral is a higher rating because Butthurt happens in the rear, and it’s an integral part of the affliction.
Private Butthurt: 700 Weh.
Corporal Butthurt: 1,000 Weh.
Sergeant Butthurt: 1,500 Weh.
Lieutenant Butthurt: 2,300 Weh.
Captain Butthurt: 3,200 Weh.
Major Butthurt: 5,000 Weh.
General Butthurt: 9,000 Weh.
Admiral Butthurt: 16,000 Weh.
Butthurt Rear Admiral Butthurt: 23,000 Weh.
Butthurt Supremacist: 36,000 Weh.
School Shooter: 75,000 Weh.
Asshandling Butthurt Butt Bandito: 500,000 Weh.
Note: You may prang someone to increase their Butthurt. If you antagonise someone into insulting you, double their Weh from their Butthurt response. To forgive is to soothe, to Prang is divine.
Additionally: Conservatives are immune to Butthurt and anyone attempting to accuse a conservative of being Butthurt must have their Weh rating doubled. Claiming to be a conservative but not actually being one will slap you with 500 Weh. Conservatives don’t get Butthurt they just get tired.
Are you Liberal, angry and confused? There are three ways of reducing your Weh rating to acceptable levels.
1: Sherbet Lemonade can reduce your Weh and make you feel good about life. This is however only temporary and Sherbet Lemonade withdrawals can amp up your Weh. Use this technique only if you don’t have an addictive personality, as good Sherbet Lemonade is hard to find and withdrawals can lead to death.
2: Exercise regularly. For every mile you run, you will reduce your Weh by 1. You will feel better and be happier.
3: Close your Troll account and enjoy Real Life. This will temporarily reduce your Weh to 1 for the next three months, providing your account is not online raking in Weh. If you enjoy real life enough, your Weh rating will be completely removed. You will be reborn as a happier person.
The Medical Dangers of Butthurt
Butthurt is no laughing matter. Not only is it painful but it can lead to many medical conditions. Here are a few.
- Swollen Nipples
- Body Sores
- Drooling
- Inflammation of the Anus
- Inability to Close the Anal Sphincter
- Watching CNN
- Eating Pizza Rolls
- Addiction to and Cravings for more Butthurt
- Self Butthurt
- Self Loathing
- Cannibalism
- Death
The Addictive Properties of Butthurt
Some people develop a morbid fascination with becoming more Butthurt. These people actively seek out more things to hurt their aching buttocks. Be it politics, TV soaps, or an unfortunate cactus, the Butthurt must be felt intensely, and in greater stages. If you are suffering from Addiction to Butthurt, we recommend contacting Befrienders Worldwide. These are good people and will try and help you with your problems.
Mass Outbreaks and Buttmerging
Sometimes a group of people can be affected by a mass outbreak of Butthurt. If they are part of an echo chamber, this is at its most dangerous as they will wind each other up and become more and more Butthurt. The main problem with this is that Butthurt butts are drawn to each other and a large enough group may create what we like to call a Buttmerge.
The Buttmerge is when a group of Butthurt people become so antagonised that their butts are sucked towards each other and they become a seething wall of angry flesh. Towns, cities and even small countries have been destroyed by mass Butthurt outbreaks, when large groups of people have become part of a horrifying Buttmerge. There is little to be done to stop them flying out of their houses and through walls, cars and city blocks as their butts are drawn together magnetically. Keep a flamethrower on standby for such an occurrence.
Bivalve Prolapse
In rare cases, when the Butthurt reaches unfathomable degrees, the Butthurt individual may suffer a Bivalve Prolapse, where each buttock turns inside out and pulls the body through the anus into the lower intestine in an attempt to protect the individual from more Butthurt. The Bivalve Prolapse can be fatal, so if you feel your butt is starting to suck you into your own body, contact your nearest local mechanic immediately. They can help anchor your butt in place with wheel clamps and pull you to safety with tongs before you suffocate.
Rectal Fission
If experiencing Butthurt fills you with energy this could be a sign you are suffering from Rectal Fission. Rectal Fission is extremely dangerous as this means your ass may be becoming radioactive. You can acquire a Geiger counter relatively easily these days to measure the bequerel or curie that your Butthurt ass is giving off.
If you and a large group of friends need to be screened for a mass Butthurt outbreak and all are gaining energy from their Butthurt, a portal monitor needs to be employed. This is a machine used to screen large groups of people for radiation.
Caring for Someone Close to You With Butthurt
If a friend, colleague or family member is suffering with Butthurt, be it mild or agonising, there are some things you can do to help them.
- Get them off of Social Media
- Stop them watching CNN
- Remove all Newspapers
- Give them Science Fiction Books and Programs to Distract them.
- Tell them they are Butthurt and they need to get psychiatric help.
The most effective solution though is to prank them regularly giving them something real to be mad about that they can actually deal with. Steal their shoes, tape over their copies of The View, put their DVDs in alphabetical order but badly categorised. This will distract them from their Butthurt and give them something to do.
Keep them stocked up on Sherbet Lemonade during the recovery process. If they start to relapse or prolapse, call your nearest mechanic and keep them in the recovery position until the tongs arrive.
We hope this has helped you in learning more about the dangers of being Butthurt. Go outside, smell the flowers, enjoy the life you have. Feel the sun and rain on your skin. We only live once. There’s no point in becoming Butthurt, it’ll just turn you into an asshole
